Open Singleness
Open singleness is the season in-between closed singleness and a serious relationship. It is when you go on dates, maybe download a dating app, flirt with the cute guy at the gym and courageously ask that person out for coffee. In the words of a true millennial, this is when you are “single and ready to mingle” (emphasis on ready). The purpose of open singleness is to figure out what you are looking for in a partner and hopefully find someone you want to do life with.
When do you know that you are ready to enter into open singleness? Great question. I am glad you asked ;) Honestly, this is hard to predict.
But I knew I was on the right track when I wanted to go on a date not because I wanted the attention, not to make my ex jealous and not as a form of distraction.
Instead, I genuinely was interested in knowing another person. AND I knew that if this person rejected me, I would be able to handle with grace. AND I could confidently claim I loved myself, not from an egotistical, arrogant standpoint, but a place of quiet strength and certainty.
An important question to ask yourself is, "would you date you?". My hope is you enter "open singleness" when your well-being is healthy enough to handle the chaotic dating scene of the 21st century.
Six months ago, my mom told, “Riley I think it is time you put yourself out there”. Isn’t it funny how sometimes your parents know you better than yourself? In all honesty, I had gotten quite comfortable with the idea of singlehood. I was like Robin Hood; except I was on a mission to save myself. Plus, I was thoroughly enjoying the benefits of singleness; randomly booking overseas flights, embracing all this free time, making new friends and having the sole control over my Friday nights. The thought of opening my heart to love was terrifying.
Nonetheless, I decided to give God a weekend. And guess what happened? I went on four dates!! Here I was thinking I would slowly inch my way onto the stage of dating when BAM, God pulled the curtain back and there I was, feeling awkward as a set of four eyes stared at me.
What have I learnt from my current open singleness?
Dating can be draining and scary. It takes a lot of courage and energy to put your heart on the line. After so many dates, you want to give up on love and accept your fate as a cat lady (please forgive me, I do not know what the male version is of a “cat lady” is).
Dates can range from “we just talked nonstop for ten amazing hours, the restaurant is closing, and the waitress is giving us ‘the look’” to “did he really just eat that french fry from the floor during his 45-minute speech about gun control on our first (and final) date”. Yes, both of those are true stories from my four-date weekend.
You learn about yourself (what subjects you prefer to discuss, your emotional triggers, your confidence to say no and who gets the goodnight kiss or side-hug).
Be willing to laugh at yourself. I love those moments when I’m lying on my bed in my pjs reminiscing. I am cringing over the comment I made about salmon with my date earlier on. I laugh out loud and think to myself, “oh Riley I cannot believe you said that… I wonder what he thought”. Dating can be so awkward so be sure to laugh!
When the time comes to say no/turn down a date, the simple truth is the best answer. Treat them the way you would want to be treated. Just say, “Thank you. I respect your courage to ask. I didn’t feel a connection/I am not interested”. Or if you have gone on 3+ dates, say something more personal, like “Hey XXX. Thank you for asking, I am flattered. I have had so much fun with you. I value the way you treated me with respect. But the more time we spend together, the more I realize we’re just on different pages. I hope you understand 😇😁”. Remember, dear friend, no is a complete sentence. It does not require justification or explanation.
Whether in closed or open singleness, or even in a relationship, I hope you love yourself first, because that's who you'll be spending the rest of your life with.
