Closed Singleness
Hello Beautiful and Handsome Humans,
I am so glad you are here. Grab your cup of coffee or glass of wine, settle into a comfortable position and let’s talk about heartbreak, healing and dating.
Foreword:
Our life has seasons. It is vital we live in a way that honors our current season. Otherwise, it is like sunbathing during a snowstorm! There are two seasons of singleness: closed and open. I’ll explain these seasons in detail soon. But I want you to know your timeline may not be linear. I had to go from open to closed and back to open. I hope you listen to your heart to discern the season. Each heart knows its own desires and needs.
Closed Singleness:
Simply put, this is a season where you do not date or consider any love interest (at least try not to). The purpose of this season is to heal wounds, move on from past relationships and strengthen your self-love. For those yet to fully enter into the dating scene, closed singleness is about preparation. You are preparing yourself to give and accept Eros (romantic love). Like a caterpillar in a cocoon readying itself to fly as a butterfly.
"Closed Singleness" most commonly occurs after a break-up or heartbreak. You dated this person for a period, or maybe even a night, and things come to a close. It hurts, doesn't it, the tear between reality and the story within your imagination? You want to move into a new relationship, but the bitter aftertaste of the past still lingers. To move on with confidence, you need to love the hurt pieces in your heart back to wholeness.
Back in 2018, your girl here was in full open singleness mode when she needed a prolonged period of closed singleness. If you've been reading my journals for even one hot minute then you know I had a temporary case of “male attention addiction”. Ladies and gentlemen, I have come to realize that this is a common affliction. Tell me if my story sounds similar? I relied on the men I dated to make me feel wanted, needed and loved. With every text, compliment or date, I felt temporarily satisfied. But, as addictions tend to work, I started to crave more. Suddenly, no matter how much attention I received, it never felt like enough. Why? Because I was trying to get others to fill up my love tank; a job exclusive to God and me.
In other words, although my desire to date/get a boyfriend/find love was well-intended, my actions were not. I just was not yet ready to love another completely because I did not love myself. I was running around Los Angeles, seeking men for attention when I had the very answer inside me. I was the answer.
This answering process required time and sacrifices. I closed down shop and took myself out of the market for the unforeseeable future. I faced the broken and wounded parts of my heart and started to fully heal from past relationships. It honestly sucked to say no to dinner offers but the price of my healing and wholeness far exceeded the best filet and mashed potatoes in California. I tried therapy for a few months. I deleted a few numbers. I practiced Mixed Martial Arts five times a week (I had to burn the tension somehow!). I journaled every day. I wrote unsent letters to all the men whose hearts I had broken. I took myself out for a date and ate French toast with fresh berries. Slowly, the names of my past lovers floated away from my thoughts.
I cannot emphasis how important this season of singleness is. The effort and work that goes into this season will affect the following decades of your life. I know this is hard. My mind is like “SQUIRREL… new hot guy at the gym” … “flirt mode activating” … But you need to turn on that switch called "system shutting down".
This season may only be a few weeks or months, but the deep, vulnerable and slow work is worth the freedom. Give yourself the time to be alone, to heal, and prepare, before you jump into a new set of arms. You deserve it.
Practical tip: If you are struggling to stay in closed singleness, reach out to friends, mentors, or a therapist. We don't heal in isolation, but in community.
