How Far is Too Far?
You're dating someone, and the chemistry is spicy, but you want to honor your decision to wait until you are married. So, what can and can't you physically do?! The answers range from no hand-holding to getting handsy.
Especially when you love someone, the lines can be blurred. But the lines you draw at the start will leave lasting marks on your relationship. In 2021, I went through a breakup, and I found freedom and healing far quicker than in past relationships. Why? Because we had strict boundaries and didn't create any soul ties. I walked away with so much respect for my ex. Boundaries can be frustrating to uphold, but they protect your future self from heartbreak and regret.
Firstly, knowing the right questions can help you avoid making the wrong decisions. It's NOT "what can we do?" but "how holy can we make this relationship?". It's NOT about "what can we do without repenting on Sunday," but "how can I honor the other person and Jesus in this relationship?"
When I was fourteen years old, I asked my mom, "How far is too far?". She said, "Riley, put the fence far enough away from the cliff so that even if you move the fence, you don't fall down the cliff." 🚧 In other words, put your boundary far enough away from sex so that you don't break the main rule if you do cross a line.
Consider this: in your ideal relationship, where is the fence? If you don't know, pray and ask God to convict you on healthy boundaries.
Now with that in mind, here is some practical advice:
Avoid anything that leads to arousal (I know the struggle is real). Arousal is your body preparing to have sex. You don't want to untrain your body. Your sexual desire is a good and beautiful thing. Being in bed with a person and wanting to do "it" is good. Keep it that way!
Agree on a curfew. Mine is 10 pm! Because when the sun sets and you get tired and relaxed, it is much harder to keep your boundaries.
Have open communication with your partner. Be honest with how you feel and whether you think you two have gone too far.
If you are newly dating someone and don't know how to bring this topic up, speak from a place of curiosity. Make it a conversation, not a demand. You can say something like, "In my ideal relationship, I am waiting till marriage to have sex. I am curious if this is something you are open to? If so, what do you think is a healthy boundary so we can respect one another in this decision?"
Choose an accountability partner. Pick a friend or a couple you respect and ask them to check in with you weekly.
Have emotional boundaries too. Especially for women, when we feel emotionally connected with a man, we want to get physical. Some of my best make-out sessions happened after a deep and meaningful conversation! 😅 Beware of telling your partner secrets you've only entrusted to a few.
Don't make promises you can't keep! Beginning the conversation about marriage too soon in a relationship can create a misleading sense of commitment. Let's not say, "I'm going to wife you up!" and have no follow-through. 💁♀️🙅♀️ I've heard that line several times, even once had a stranger propose to me with a diamond ring in front of a church after I preached. I remain baffled! 🤔
Finally, remember it's not a NO. It's a NOT YET! Keep the end goal in mind. Be determined to bypass temporary intimacy for long-term love. One day, you'll wake up on a slow Sunday morning and look into your partner's eyes and… I need not say more 😉
You got this!!
